I was told once that we only get so many chances to step over the line until the universe decides that enough is enough. I guess today might have been my last chance. The story of the day is really not important, but it brings to mind the question of: 1. Work ethic, especially in the face of adversity, and 2. Trust.
I pride myself on my work- at least, work I do when I feel like I'm working toward a goal, or have some greater purpose in mind. And one would think that there is no greater purpose than facilitating the goals and aspirations of some great, low-income students. However, I came to a realization yesterday. Either it takes a very special person to truly "fight the system," and only those with that specific constitution can succeed in that area, or it may just be better to "shut up and do what you're told," as I was basically told today. Either way, I'm very discouraged. I've always taught my students that with enough perseverance and hard work, anything is achievable. And in the face of adversity, one must work even harder. But what to do when, in the face of adversity, the motivation disappears? When the goal is fuzzy and unclear, and you're walking blindly towards...what end? And how to you know when you lay down your arms and let it go? And if the continued fight is met not with resistance, but total annihilation?
Which brings me to #2: Trust. Going back to another Broadway tune, "I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission/ just to feed your own ambition...."
I remember my 11th grade AP History teacher once telling us that the people to fear while you're climbing the ladder are not those above you, nor are they those who are at the bottom, but those who are directly under you. Because they do slimy, creepy things to knock you from your place. Competition is fierce, but what happened to playing nicely? Or, fairly? I'm told time and time again that life is not fair, but I think the main reason I want to be a lawyer is that I really believe that it should be. At least the parts we can control.
So, the final Broadway tune of the day resonates with my idea of what should be done from here:
Running away/let's do it/why sit around resigned?/the trouble is, son,/the farther you run/the more you feel undefined/for what you have left undone/and, more... what you've left behind./
So, regardless of the adversity, the discouragement, the feelings of complete unworthiness, the only thing we can do is decide where to go from here.